Update & Absenteeism

I know it’s been over 2 months since I’ve posted. I’ve been thinking about posting a lot lately so rather than continue to think about it, I’m doing it!

My 5th IVF cycle was a bust, another complete negative pregnancy test. So we will be taking a break until September. At that time I will start rounds again but to only create the embryos to freeze. I’m going to try and get as many to frosties as possible through December. We’ll start back at the transfer process after our wedding and honeymoon to Italy next May. My goal is to get our bodies in the best condition so that we create stronger embryos.

I’m numb and so sick of seeing babies all over my Instagram!!!

Not sure when I’ll be back in the blog world but I wish you ALL the best.

Take Care,

Elisabeth

Advertisements

A Totally Different Cycle

Howdy y’all! Very Texan of me. The last few weeks have been interesting in my fifth cycle, very different from my last 4. I’m in the middle of my 2ww and expectationless for now! Although I am trying to stay positive that since this cycle has been the exact opposite of the other 4 this might be the one to work!

Here’s how my cycles have differed:

• This cycle I stimmed for 14 days, the previous cycles I only stimmed for 7-8 days. My ovary was over suppressed this round so it took about 8 days to “wake up”. By the end I was MISERABLE
• Stim day # 10 they found a 10mm cyst on my ovary at my US that was drained on the spot with no meds which was not fun at all
• I started having OHSS on stim day #11 and went on bed rest and I’m still feeling the side effects almost 2 weeks later
• I finally made it to retrieval on the last day of April, we retrieved 6 eggs which was pretty much par for the course 
• Only 2 of my 6 eggs fertilized which has never happened. They usually all fertilize. With that crappy number we were expecting a 3 day transfer
• I can say we were blessed that both embabes made it to day 3 so we transferred both. This was our first 3dt, the rest have been 5dt. They looked pretty great
• They did assisted hatching on my 8 cell embryos which has never happened before. They said this was normal for 3dt and since we have had multiple failures

I’m optimistic for one of these embabes to implant. For some reason I feel like putting them back in their natural environment to do their thing might be for the best. We have our beta the day before Mother’s Day. It’s crazy that all of my betas have landed right around important days. I’m really hoping for some positive news so future mothers days are not somewhat sad for me. 

In other news, I’ve spent a majority of the time I’ve been off resting but planning our wedding. We’ve decided this round will be our last round to attempt pregnancy this year. We will keep our wedding date next year. If this round fails I’m going to take 3 months off and then just do ivf to create embryos to freeze for after our wedding next year. Over my break I’ve been able to book our photographer, finalize save the dates, start gathering addresses and officially ask 2 of my bridesmaids and 2 flower girls to be in my wedding. I’ve already asked 3 other bridesmaids and only have my matron of honor left to ask! Then we can pick dresses. Hooray!!!

The Picture Says it All…

…AND try to get pregnant through IVF! I’m pretty sure this is what I look like driving home every evening from work!

Cycle 5 started last Saturday. Stimming has been longer for me as my follicles are developing slower than the last 4 times. I’m ok with that! Next ultrasound is Sunday and hopefully I’ll know when retrieval will be. I’m guessing next Wednesday or Thursday.

Happy Friday!

Elisabeth

Numby Numb Numb

I haven’t posted in awhile, which is quite typical for me. After this round I just haven’t had the words to express how I feel (again). I will keep it short and simple. My fourth round of IVF and my third transfer was not successful. We got a negative beta for the second time in a row. I do feel blessed that my results were negative rather than chemical since my 2nd round was super traumatizing. That’s the round we found out we were still pregnant from the first round where they thought it was a chemical. Turned out, the chemical was actually an ectopic…blah, blah, blah. So at least there’s that…negative, nada, zilch, ZERO beta. One more positive that came out of the 4th round is that we had one blastie make it to freeze, that’s the first in 4 rounds. I try to focus on those 2 positives and keep on trucking but really I’m just numb. I don’t think I’ve shed one tear since finding out on March 27th. I’ve tried to cry, it just doesn’t work. This is what terrifies me. Why am I numb? My psychiatrist told me that “you can change your feelings with your thoughts”…yeah so that hasn’t quite worked for me as of yet. But I’ll keep trying I guess.

We’re going to try one more round before we likely take a break. If this round doesn’t work we have some serious decisions to make about next steps, mostly with our wedding. We’ve already booked a venue among some other things because I am/was dead set on 5/5/18 but if we don’t get pregnant I’ll either have to….change the date, time my next round to where I’m not 7-9 months pregnant, or wait until after the wedding when I’m 35 and hopefully still have my one ovary. Let me just vent for a second! I have my whole wedding planned around the theme/date so I’ll have to figure that all out again. Secondly, I absolutely don’t want to pay $30 – 40k for a wedding that I can’t drink at. That’s a very large tab for me to pay for others to party, I like to party! And the last one is self-explanatory. I’m at about a 90% chance that I will lose my only lonely ovary before menopause coupled with the fact that your ovarian reserve and quality starts to decline at 35 doesn’t put me in the best position.

On a more positive note, I was thinking last night about how I just spray tanned (a guilty pleasure) and was enjoying a nice glass of wine while sitting out in my beautiful backyard staring at my puppies and pool. I’m not living in a 3rd world country and I’m blessed enough to even truck on with my 5th round of IVF so not all hope is lost. So I’m back on birth control with my suppression check next Thursday. But enough woe is me, God is good.

XOXO,

Elisabeth

4th Cycle

Reading a blogger I follow’s post today inspired me to do like her and just use bullet points. I feel like I have so much to say but I think less is more at this point! Yesterday I had my suppression check and learned early afternoon I was ok to start my 4th cycle, so I will start stims tomorrow.

• Start stims tomorrow
• 4th round = new protocol. The last 3 cycles I was on a microflare protocol, they’ve switched me to a GnRH-antagonist protocol. Only difference really will be no Lupron 2x/day and adding Ganirelex at some point next week, trigger shot is slightly different as well
• I’m switching back to endometrin if we make it to transfer. I HATED Crinone 8%
• After my BFN on 2/13 I’ve been really struggling with anxiety/depression
• I’ve joined an infertility support group
• I saw a psychiatrist for the first time today
• Start taking Zoloft this evening, my RE approved
• I started bleeding today (spotting yesterday), chalking it up to ending the BC pill on Monday but paranoid something isn’t right
• I REALLY, really want to be optimistic this round but I feel that optimistic side of me fading away
• I bought a wedding dress Wednesday!!!
• Our wedding is 5/5/18 and I’m terrified this round won’t work and I’ll either have to wait a few months and try again and then be pregnant at my wedding or wait until close to our wedding to try again risking losing my left ovary before then
• What a mind eff

I’m really hoping I can gain my positivity back and i think with the Zoloft and some extra praying I can find that peace again.

Hugs,

Elisabeth

3rd Round Down

We had our Beta on Monday, 2/15 and got the call from my nurse around lunch, which was waaaaay earlier than the last time they called me. I just stared at my phone ringing for a few moments holding onto hope that they only call early with good news. Of course I was wrong, my HCG was a big fat zero. 2 more embabes gone! Happy Valentine’s day to us.

No matter how much you think you are mentally prepared to hear you are not pregnant, it never gets easier. I’m so glad I worked from home on Monday and subsequently on Tuesday. How awkward would it be for everyone else for me to be in the office, ugly crying all day.

I actually started testing on 5dp5dt because I started spotting (on my birthday may I add) and also because I obviously like to torture myself. The spotting became worse 6dp5dt last Friday with some fresh blood. By Saturday morning it was full flow. I refused to test Saturday and Sunday and just waited for beta. I still wanted to hold out hope that maybe, just maybe I could be pregnant.

Now I just want to hear what the doctor has to say. They want me to start IVF round 4 right away, starting birth control today or tomorrow. I’m considering waiting until next month as I’m not sure I’m all that ready to dive right back in.

Good luck to all of you ladies out there! I still smile when I read the BFP posts :).

~Elisabeth

Two Week Waits & Transfer Dates

We successfully made it through egg retrieval, the wait between retrieval and transfer and as of yesterday we made it through transfer! My last cycle was cancelled the day before retrieval so I was super relieved with every step we made it through from retrieval to transfer this round. 

This cycle I had a dominant follicle through Stims which made it another nerve-wracking experience. Meds had to be adjusted and I had to be monitored closely, stim phase also flew by. I only did 6 days of Stims before my trigger day last Saturday. It looked like we would only have 3-4 follicles large enough to have mature eggs by retrieval, but hey all we needed was ONE. Retrieval day came and there were 6 eggs! 

Then starts the 2WW. Waiting 24 hours to find out how many fertilize…3!…waiting 2 more days to find out how the embryos are progressing and if you need to come in THAT day for a 3 day transfer…we were good, no 3 day transfer. Then the hardest part for me, will any make it to 5-day blastocysts? That you don’t find out until the day of transfer. We made it to the clinic yesterday for transfer day at 7:15a (15 min early). Only to have another hour wait with no info. Finally we were called back and we had 2 grade 4AA blastocysts, both to be transferred, with one still developing. My mom and D were there. I know my mom really enjoyed the experience. And I’m so relieved that we had 2 beautiful embabes to make it back home to me!

The 5 of us (2 embabes included) went to breakfast after and then my mom and i headed to tour two wedding venues which I’ve had appointments for over 2 months with. The doctor gave us the green light and I rested in between. I think I found our venue too! My mom also spotted a red bird and owl while we were out which she swears are good signs. Not too bad of a day! Now I just need to stay sane for the next 8 days until beta. 

Baby dust to all!